First Church Performance

I went to a Memorial Day party over the weekend, Saturday to be exact. There, me and my guitar teacher/"cohort", David dataDyne, played a few hymns to entertain the masses. It just so happens that one of the hymns I played was going to be sang Sunday in church. Therefore, Pastor told me I could provide the music if I wanted to.

I spent all night (about 10 minutes) practicing and pacing. Mr. dataDyne would not be there; he and his family were out forsaking the assembly. Thereforeuntoheretoforth, it was up to me. Pastor all of a sudden- I basically did not see it coming- said "HERE'S KEV TO PLAY! They played yesterday and, well, they sound OK. There should be a cohort with him next week."

I was stunned! In hindsight, it was all a very natural progression, I guess I thought I would be waiting until everyone left to play. I stood up and donned my guitar with not a shred of nervousness. Then it happened. I saw everyone.

The following is a factual account of what happened.


Somehow, the room seemed hotter. There were lights in my face somehow. I saw everyone in a hue of yellow, like when you come inside from not wearing sunglasses and staring at the sun. I began getting nervous. My heart rate increased. Hold on- let me get my notes. Ah. Next, I started feeling a burning sensation as the butterfly in my stomach began doing loop-de-loops and, from what I can tell, howling. It must have been a Wolf Butterfly. Or maybe it was a banshee butterfly come to wail and moan at me.

My reflexes increased 300%. Just imagine- if I had to go pee, I would have been operating 3,300% faster. I stood there. They stared. "Hey, I'd like to wish my mom a happy birthday," I said. I had already gotten permission to do so. It was her birthday, so I don't think I was out of line.


Then Chris Hitman said something.

Then I said, "Yeah, I'm nervous, and it's YOUR fault!" looking back, the timing was really bad, and I was stalling to get my nerves, but I had to say something. I did bad on that part.

Pastor asked me if I was OK. I said, "Yeah, I'm just nervous." "OK." And about 10 seconds later, I was juuuust about to start. I was unsure of how to. It's like pulling the trigger on an animal to execute it. It's very difficult anticipating it...and the nerves just make it hard to do. And it's super-tough looking at everyone when they're sitting down. You're just not used to that vantage point.

Then Pastor started the singing. Then I was fine and began playing along. I hit most of the chords, and I was moving so fast, the ones I did miss I recovered from within a half of a split second. I only missed the D in a GDC transition and I think the C in a GCGD transition. Or chord movement, I don't know what it's called. I think I did OK. My secret? I didn't look at anyone. Whew.


Everyone politely clapped once the hymn was over. I went and sat down, shell-shocked. On the way there, I said "Don't clap; just throw money...uh, to the accountant, not me."

It was nervous. It was horrific. I had stage fright, but I did it! I text messaged David dataDyne telling him of my accomplishment. He asked me what I played, I told him. I gave him a call afterwards and told him everything about it. He was at some diner with his wife because he had to work on their anniversary and he was making up for it.

"Hi, D, is it a good time to talk?"
"Actually Kev, we're at Olive Gar-"
"Oh! Is Lisa there?"
"Yes, Kev, b-"
"Tell her I said hi! Anyways, here's how it went..." and I told him how it went over the next 40 minutes. He said his food was getting cold, so I had to go.


I didn't realize it at the time, but I was shaking while playing.

Then Doug Carrot Top said that he's played the guitar since he was 19- he's around 40 now! He hadn't played in a year, though.

In the words of Mr. dataDyne. "He made me feel like an idiot."


After a year of not playing the guitar, he was able to form coherent melody. Then, I found out that he had a spare guitar that we could let sit in church for no particular reason. That saved the church about $100. His wife, Sheila, spoke up: "Yeah, we'll put it in the offering box."

The offering box is smaller than a mailbox...a guitar is not going in there. Then they informed me that it's a miniature guitar. I guess it's a functional paperweight, we'll see. I may try to get him onto the stage with us, but he's been so busy he hasn't played for a year so...he probably won't have enough time for that. Still, I barrel towards my goal of abolishing the dread Hymn Box 200. It knows what's coming, and it doesn't like it one bit.



Like I said in Post #1, once we begin playing, everyone else will fall into line. My dad's already fallen, and yesterday, we bought him a flute. He's going to take up his old childhood instrument and probably start playing with us late October. And Manny, the Hitman's wife, will surely join us soon. Her response has gone from an incredulous "What?" to simply a look of sober acceptance of her destiny.


See you Wednesday, Manny.